Tell Your Partner What You Need

"Tell your partner what you need" is responsible for more disappointment and heartache than any other commonly given relationship advice. (Except maybe "I feel" statements.")

The advice comes from a logical and well-meaning place.  The alternative is assumed to be--

* suffering in silence.

* sucking it up and accepting that your partner isn't perfect.

* expecting your partner to read your mind and KNOW what you need because they KNOW you.

* waiting for your partner to fail, then telling them how they disappointed you.

Compared to these, telling your partner what you need is an improvement.

* Suffering in silence leads to, well, suffering.  I don't want you to suffer in your relationship.

* Your partner isn't perfect.  But, letting your needs go unmet is a set up for failure.  Your needs are important. 

* Your brain works differently than your partner's.  You have different needs.  It's unlikely that your partner will think like you.  (Believe me, I've tried to change the way my husband's brain works.  It's a waste of energy.)

* Telling your spouse that they disappointed you is one of the hardest things for them to hear and accept.  They want to be successful with you.  They want you to be happy.

So, the advice "tell your partner what you need" is grounded in good intentions.  The second part of the advice is "they can't read your mind."

The problem is how the advice is used.  Here's what usually happens--

One partner is unhappy.  They feel lonely or disconnected or disappointed or unloved.  They might share this with their spouse, but it's shared as venting or given as a cue.  They spend a lot of time thinking about what would make them stop feeling this way or what will solve the problem.

Eureka! they find the solution.  If their partner would do A, B, and C, they would feel better about everything--themselves, their partner, the situation.

They pitch this solution to their partner.  They kindly (or subtly or sarcastically) "tell their partner what they need."

This request is laden with the message "If you love me, you will do this for me." By then, you are pretty invested in this solution being the best (or only) solution that will solve the problem.

This request comes from a well-meaning part of you.  You want both of you to live a happy life.  You mentally tally up all the ways that you have changed to make your partner happy.  Since they haven't spontaneously come to the same conclusion that you did, you are "helping them out" so you can both be happy.

Once you share what you need, your partner is left in a very awkward position.  Even if your request is reasonable and well-meaning, they are in a tough spot.

Your partner has a couple of choices:

1) They can do what you ask.  Sometimes this is easy.  If it is, they will probably do what you ask and you will both move on.  You'll quickly forget the accommodation.  If it's not easy, your partner may try to do what you've asked.  If it's not easy, there is a chance that they do it but feel like a robot--you input the command and they have to do it without any say in how it's done.  As the other adult in the relationship, this can feel pretty bad.

2) They can NOT do what you ask.  They might avoid or agree but not follow through.  There are many reasons why they won't do what you ask--

--what might seem simple to you is hard for them.

--they truly don't remember because it isn't how they would solve the problem.

--they might not agree that it's a good idea.

--they may not agree that the solution will actually get the desired results.

--the problem is tied with other problems that also must be solved.

--they might feel a bit contrary and resistant to being ordered around, even if you ask in your kindest, most reasonable voice.

When they don't do what you said you need, you will feel disappointed, hurt, and possibly unloved.  Neither of you want that.

3) They can do THEIR VERSION of what you've asked.  They will take your request, run it through their understanding of the world, and do what they think is best to solve the problem.  Sometimes this works.  What I usually see is that it's not close enough.  You still feel disappointed and they feel like their efforts aren't good enough.

Every one of these possibilities leads to heartache and disappointment for someone.

AND there is the possibility that you won't feel satisfied with their efforts--even if they do EXACTLY what you asked for.  There's the chance that you might discount their efforts because they didn't "do it with feeling." They did it for you, but not because they "wanted to do it."

It's amazing the variety of ways that we can discount someone else's effort to fit the narrative that we learn in childhood. ("I'm unlovable, no one cares about me, I can tell you care about me because you _______.")

Where did things go wrong?  This advice DOES logically make sense, so why doesn't it work?

This advice rarely works because it teaches you to bring the solution to your partner--not the problem.

You do all of the deep thinking about it.

You brainstorm the ways to solve it.

You present it as a gift to your partner, one they don't believe in or value.

The way to get your needs met is to COLLABORATE.

Collaboration looks very different than giving your partner a list of tasks to complete.

Collaboration means that you share the problem and work on finding a solution together.

An example--

You:  "I'm feeling lonely and disconnected.  I'd like your help in solving this.  I've been thinking about how it might help to A, B, and C.  What do you think?"

Them:  "I can see how that might be a problem.  I'm happy to help.  I can do C, but A and B don't really work for me.  I am willing to try D, E, and F. What do you think of these solutions? Would they make you feel connected?"

You: "I'd be happy if you would try C.  I don't think D or E will solve this, but F might help.  If you would try C and F, I could try B on my own.  If you're willing, let's try that and check in to see how it worked in a few weeks, OK?"

These aren't the words that you would use, but you get the point.  You need to translate it into your own words and flow (see how I'm not telling you what you need--you can use it in your own way.)

When you solve the problem together, there are many more options.  It's possible, after talking about it together, you decide to solve the problem on your own.  That's OK, too.  You don't solve it on your own out of spite or disappointment--instead you solve it on your own because that is the best way to get that need met.

When you solve problems together, you feel closer as you work through the problem.  It's an opportunity to get exactly what you need without your partner "just doing what I asked for."

This way of thinking may feel foreign to you.  AND to your partner.  They may even resist it.  It takes some practice to change the dynamic between you.  Don't get discouraged if it takes a while to get good at it.  It's really different from the advice you usually receive.

Dr. Cheri Timko is a Couples Sex Therapist and Couples Relationship Coach. You can learn more about options for therapy at www.couplescounselingcenter.online.