Reconnection Roadmap

Behind the curtain (part 2)

I used to feel jealous of my clients.

Most of the couples I've worked with started working with me due to a crisis:

* someone learned of their partner's affair.

* their arguments had gotten too intense and hard to recover from.

* one partner had had enough and was ready to leave the relationship.

These types of events could end the relationship.

Together, we would work through the crisis, strengthening the relationship with deep connection and healthy communication.  They repaired the damage and moved on as a stronger and wiser couple.

The work was hard, but the rewards were priceless.

There is a moment when I can see that a couple has turned a corner.  Their relationship moved off the brink of disaster and the crisis started to become part of their past (instead of their present).  It's hard to put it into words, because it's the shift of a feeling:

* they started a session looking relaxed and at ease with one another.

* they talked more to one another than to me.

* they talked about something other than their relationship problems.

* it felt like I was interrupting something organic and strong rather than I was the glue.

* it seemed like they could breathe again.

Even after 20 years, it's hard for me to describe this turning point.  It looks slightly different for each couple.  It's what they look like when things are clicking, they feel in-sync and connected, and things start to flow easily.

This is the point that I used to feel jealous of.

Having gone through the fire and survived a relationship-threatening crisis, they felt bonded, connected, and closer than they had ever been before.  The relationship continued to be fragile, but they were willing to protect it.

It's a powerful thing to see.  It's an amazing experience to live.

Don't get me wrong.  My husband and I have always had a pretty good relationship.  And we've lived through all kinds of crises. (And, he's a good sport when it comes to being married to a couples therapist.)

What I longed for was the closeness of the recovery.

It took a while to figure out how you get this without living through a potentially relationship-ending crisis.

In a long-term relationship, you can't just coast based on choosing the right person.  You have to set your relationship up for success.  That's why the first year of living together is often so hard.

You have to negotiate and coordinate so you can accommodate each other's needs.  When it's done well, you co-create a life that is good for both of you.

Swallowing your hurts, putting aside needs, and compromising set you up for unhappiness.  It's counterproductive to give your partner what they want at your expense.

True happiness in a long-term relationship is the intersection of each person's personality.

Once you find the formula for your own relationship, ONLY THEN can your relationship coast.  Provided there are natural check-in points to update your agreements.

This formula is different for every couple, and is different if you leave one relationship and start another.  Because the intersection of any two people is different from every other pairing.

I'll give an example. 

Formula for a good relationship:

1. 3-5 daily points of connection.  These relationship habits make the relationship feel secure and connected.  Which habits you practice matter less than choosing the ones that matter the most to each of you.

2. Regular quality time together.  This serves two purposes.  You need uninterrupted time to solve problems and to connect through fun.  For some couples, they can multitask during this time.  Other couples need it clearly separated and labeled. 

A natural part of having time to solve problems is an evaluation of how your current plan is working and where it needs to be tweaked to accommodate any changes in your lives.

3. Relationship repairs that work.  You will screw up.  Your partner will let you down.  This is part of a normal, healthy, happy long-term relationship.  Every couple needs to know what will repair the harm. 

I'm talking about these like a formula.  You could, instead, think of them as guidelines, relationship rules, benchmarks, or guiding principles.  This, too, is something unique to your relationship.

This way of thinking is the "meta" of your relationship.  It's being intentional about how you run your relationship. Your relationship has rules whether you choose them or you let them evolve on their own.

Once you know your formula, you don't have to put as much energy towards the relationship. In fact, your relationship becomes a source of joy, inspiration, and safety that feeds every other part of your relationship.

Instead of taking energy, your relationship becomes a source of energy.

My husband and I have grown a lot closer over the years.  Every stage of life has challenged us to update our guiding principles and relationship habits.  Some interactions are exactly the way they were when we met.  Others have evolved to fit that stage of life better.

I don't feel jealous of my clients anymore.  I was able to figure out how to get the same closeness in my own relationship without surviving a devastating crisis.  I'd like to shorten your path, too.

I’m working on a sex therapy workbook for neurodiverse couples.  As I write it, I’ll be posting my rough draft in the paid portion of this blog.  If you want to see the rough copy before it’s edited into a paid format, please sign up today!