Preventing Future Relationship Crises

I once knew a woman who had racked up the equivalent of a decent college education before her husband learned of her spending.  They had to pull $$$ out of their kids' college funds to pay for it.  What was happening 6-12 months before?  He had gained a lot of weight and they couldn't talk about how it was affecting their intimacy.

I knew a guy who had a brief affair after being in a sexless marriage for a few years.  He and his wife hadn't been able to bridge their differences using late-night heart-rending arguments.  Once she learned of his affair, she refused to have any contact with him.

I met a couple who occasionally had big blow-ups.  The arguments got too intense and they said things they didn't mean.  What they weren't talking about was that one of them drank every night to deal with work stress and childhood trauma scars.

Another couple came to me because she had asked for a divorce.  He was dumbfounded and shocked.  According to him, "Yes, we’ve had some problems over the years, but things were ok."  According to her, "I've tried to tell him that I can't live like this for years.  I've calmly suggested, cried, nagged, screamed, forwarded articles, read and given books.  Nothing got his attention.  Now, I'm tired of trying by myself."

Each story represents many more similar couples who I've met over the years through Couples Counseling. (Each of these stories are composites to protect their confidentiality.)

In most of these situations, the crisis came as a shock to one or both of the partners.  In ALL of these situations, it was heartrending and excruciatingly painful.  When a relationship crisis occurs, people report:

* not being able to eat or sleep.

* repeatedly going over the situation in their mind trying to figure out what went wrong.

* feeling sick to their stomach or having other GI distress.

* questioning every interaction throughout the course of the relationship looking for the moment when they got off track.

* imagining and guessing what "REALLY" happened.

* feeling like everything is crumbling beneath their feet.

* feeling numb, unable to focus, checked out, outraged, heartbroken, torn in two, desperate, disbelief.

* lying on the floor moaning in emotional pain.

* desperately trying to convince their partner to work on the relationship with them.

* unable to focus at work or with their kids.

* self-medicating to stop feeling the intense pain.

It's excruciating to live through. It's heartbreaking to watch.

We each have the capacity to hurt our spouse deeper than anyone else in the world.  Before you secretly pat yourselves on the back for not having this kind of crisis, I want to assure you that EVERY couple faces crises.

In all of these cases, what was going on 6-12 months before? I've come to call it Roommate Syndrome.

A year prior:

* The couple let their relationship take the backseat to other priorities.

* One partner was dealing with a personal issue (health crisis, mental health crisis, family problem) and, as a couple, they couldn't work together to support one another.

* They couldn't communicate on a problem so they set it aside and avoided it.

* The relationship didn't feel safe enough to be open and honest about how one of them was changing as a person.

* They couldn't share their deeper thoughts, feelings, and needs because they were afraid of being judged by their partner.

* One of them was bored in the relationship and they couldn't find a way to solve the problem that was safe for the relationship.

* and so many more.........

All of this pain is the inspiration behind the Date Your Way Back to Desire program.

If you can see yourself in even one of the above scenarios, your relationship may not be able to avoid the avoidable crises described above or your relationship may not be able to weather the unavoidable crises that inevitably happen.

I've never met a couple who had not survived numerous crises.  Crisis must be part of the human condition.  Put another way, "the only constant is change."

You will change, your partner will change. As a result, your relationship will change.

In fact, you are supposed to change.  Otherwise, what's the point of life?

When you recognize the symptoms of Roommate Syndrome, it is an "early warning system." You can intervene in an effective way before there is a crisis.  When you continuously invest in your relationship, you will weather the storms as a team and allies.

I hope you will take an honest look at your relationship and see if there are any signs of:

* unresolved recurring problems.

* changes that you are not handling.

* unchecked irritability, agitation, frustration, anger, complaining, sadness, loneliness, or disappointment.

* disengagement (checked out with work, projects, kids, phones, friends).

* lagging affection and intimacy.

If you do, it's time for an open, honest, and kind conversation about where you each are with the relationship.  In fact, I recommend a regular check in even if you don't see any of these symptoms.  You may be fine while your partner sees a problem.

Dr. Cheri Timko is a Couples Sex Therapist and Couples Relationship Coach. You can learn more about options for therapy at www.couplescounselingcenter.online.