Communication

"I'm in pain and I need your help."

Why do couples argue? 

It's not a rhetorical question.  Why do YOU argue?

At the heart of most arguments is a core thought or problem.  It's often: "I'm in great pain and I need your help to stop it."

Another common one is: "This is unfair and I need your help to fix it.  Otherwise, I'll be in great pain."

What you say instead is:

"This is your fault!"

"How can you do this to me?!?"

"Why can't you ever......?!?"

"What's your problem?"

It's hard to hear that underlying message when you feel attacked.

Your objection? But I started the conversation with "I have a problem and I need your help. I was honestly calm, reasonable, and rational BEFORE getting angry."

That's true.  Many of you are trying to use good communication skills and only quit when your partner doesn't also respond with good communication skills.

I heard this last week, and it was so powerful that I've been talking about it all week--

There are four parts to communication:

1. What you mean to say.

2. What you actually say.

3. What your partner hears.

4.  What your partner thinks you mean.

I'll thank Dr. Faith Harper for bringing it to my attention, but she admitted that she couldn't find a reference for it.

In order to have good communication, all four parts of communication need to work.

1. What you mean to say.

In order to know what you mean, you have to be clear about what you want and need.  A lot of times, couples jump into topics without putting much thought into it.  In fact, people who process their thoughts by talking about them might be "verbally processing" while trying to solve the problem.

2. What you actually say.

Once you are clear on what you want and need, you have to turn this into clear statements to your partner.  Many get tripped up on this step.  They communicate in half sentences and thoughts.  They believe that "any reasonable person would KNOW this is important."  Anxiety (or other emotions or body language) taints the message so it comes out differently than you mean it.

3.  What your partner hears.

We are all busy people.  Even when we are not actively doing something, we are busy.  Phones have filled up any extra space.  How often do you sit around waiting for your spouse to tell you what is bothering them?  Even if you wonder what they are thinking and want to have a conversation, it's rare that you want to hear the list of things that are bothering them about YOU.  If you're preoccupied or busy, you may only hear half of what they actually say.

4. What your partner thinks means.

We make sense of what our partner means.  We run it through our own filters to understand it.  How you interpret what your partner means is informed by:

* Your history together

* Your own history

* What happened between you in the last hour and in the last week

* How you feel in the current situation

* The context of the discussion

* Your current capacity to be there in that moment

* Your ability to be present in general

* What priority you place on the information in relationship to other current problems

So many factors.

Telling your partner how they let you down as a way to communicate that they hurt you will fail the test of each of these parts of communication.

* If you criticize rather than asking for help, your partner won't know what you are asking for. You might not know what you are asking for.

* If you suggest there is a problem rather than describing the ACTUAL problem, they won't understand that you're asking for help.  They will hear that you blame them for your feelings.

* Choosing the time to talk and getting your partner's attention with their permission can make or break a request.

--> Right before bed often leads to late-night discussions that fall apart due to tiredness.

--> Discussing important topics when you are rushing to the next activity leads to short answers and spats.

--> Trying to talk over distractions (kids, TV, other conversations) leads to misunderstandings and missed information.

* Talking about each of your interpretations of what you heard can help clarify each person's assumptions and unstated expectations. (I often use Brené Brown's tool "The story in my head is....").

Either you or your partner can do the mental gymnastics of translating a criticism into a request for help. If you're unclear, ask your partner if they are trying to tell you that they're in pain and need help.  They will probably tell you.

Of course, you might need to use a different word than "hurt" or "pain." If those trigger a negative reaction, try a softer word.

"You're upset, and want my help."

"You're troubled, and want my help."

"You're confused by my behavior and want my help."

You'll know which word to use because you KNOW your partner.

Communication is hard.  Not because it's complicated (or maybe it is) but because we all speak slightly different languages.  In a close, long-term relationship, the differences are exaggerated.

I’m working on a sex therapy workbook for neurodiverse couples.  As I write it, I’ll be posting my rough draft in the paid portion of this blog.  If you want to see the rough copy before it’s edited into a paid format, please sign up today!