Grief and Sadness in LTR

Grief and Sadness in Long-term Relationships

There's so much grief, loss, and sadness in long-term relationships.  Even VERY good marriages suffer from disappointment and hurt.

As a couple, it's easier to manage hard feelings when the source of stress comes from outside the relationship.  But only EASIER, not easy.

When stressors or loss come from outside the relationship, especially outside the immediate family, it's easier to band together to fight the outside force. 

I regularly hear, "We are able to solve the problems and work together when we are fighting against someone else.  But, even a minor difference can turn into an intense battle when it's between us."

Grief, loss, sadness, stress, and disappointment from someone else is an opportunity.  It's a chance to support one another, "have each other's back," and "be on their side."

The impact of "being there for one another" is powerful glue.

It's also a minefield for missed opportunities that can fuel relationship conflict.

Missing an important event or not standing up for your partner or taking someone else's side or ignoring a partner's hurt creates hurt and conflict that cuts deeply and can be hard to repair.

So, sadness that comes from outside the relationship can still lead to hurt between partners.

The source of MOST relationship unhappiness is because we hurt our partners.  Even in the best relationships, we hurt each other by:

* not paying attention (thank you phones and kids!!)

* being thoughtless or careless with words

* venting stress on a partner

* having difficult to fulfill expectations

* holding onto disappointment for too long, especially if you keep it to yourself

* not being able to negotiate everyday problems that wear at the relationship like a pebble in your shoe

* having difficulty showing love in your partner's love language

* missing what's MOST important to your partner

* failing to change small things that annoy your partner

* prioritizing other things above the relationship

* half listening

* skipping the small things that make each of you feel connected and loved

Disappointment is a powerful emotion.  Feeling disappointed in your spouse feels bad.  Chronic disappointment will erode your love. 

Seeing disappointment in your partner's face is crushing.  Believing that your partner is always disappointed in you leads to hopelessness.

Disappointment leads to hurt, resentment, and distance.  Which wreaks all kinds of havoc in any relationship.

So, what are you to do?  Suck it up? Accept that your partner is not perfect? Share every little disappointment so your partner can change? Leave relationship books on their night stand?  Send them videos of others explaining the problem and solution?

The answer is a little bit of all of these.  The answer is to know yourself and your partner.

Here are some tangible suggestions:

1. Know what makes you feel loved.

2. Clearly communicate what makes you feel loved. Give examples but don't expect your partner to robotically follow your instructions. (Unless they ask for specific instructions.)

3. Check your expectations to make sure that your partner can easily live up to them.

4. Troubleshoot problems, not the person.

And accept that love comes with hurt.  Even the most secure and powerful love doesn't make all loneliness and disappointment go away.

Dr. Cheri Timko is a Couples Sex Therapist and Couples Relationship Coach. You can learn more about options for therapy at www.couplescounselingcenter.online.